Lost and Found in Fear

When one forgets God and the incredible role He plays in one’s life, life gets pretty scary. I’d rather not admit the number of times I’ve forgotten God’s hand and my trust in Him in the last year. I’m constantly standing in awe of the way He’s worked in the past, of the makeup of His character, of the way He’s meeting me in the moment; yet I’m constantly paralyzed with fear about my calling and what my future in general. As someone still in the process of even coming back to necessary time with the Lord after choosing to wander away for several months, I’m not even sure how to best respond to this fear. I am dumbstruck by the contrast before me. Obviously, the answer is to keep pushing forward in spending more time with the Lord and to just tell him all about this fear I’m experiencing. I need to surrender it to Him and rest in the trust that He knows all things and it’s not for me to worry about.
This sounds great, but it’s incredibly easier said than done. It slips my mind to mention the fear when I’m in prayer. And when I find myself surrounded by the beauty of God, I’m either so overwhelmed by my troubles that sorting them out to bring before Him is too arduous a task for the moment, or His greatness so fills me to overflowing that praise and  thankfulness is the only possible response. In the former, my fears are always among the struggles brought to mind, but in the latter, fear is completely absent my thoughts.
Amidst the other parts of life, fear makes its way back into my quiet reflection. I wouldn’t say that I don’t trust God; I believe I do, but it’s an infected kind of trust. My resolute belief that I am not the one in charge of my life and I live my life following every step of God’s leading as it’s revealed to me has been infected with questions of security and comfort and how clear the next step must be. I question the place I’m in for fear I’m not where I need to be after all or what I’m currently doing won’t lead any further in the same area. I question how comfortable I feel with where I’m at and if it’s okay to feel comfortable and at home for fear I might become too attached and therefore not as willing to move on when God says it’s time. I question how clearly I need to see the next step for fear of following the sinful desire to wander off and of hesitating too long when it’s all clearly laid out before me.
An earnest and pure desire to be pliable and cooperative in the hands of God is tainted with questions and fears to the point where I’ve become timid and paralyzed, thinking of possible mistakes. It’s hauntingly similar to a child loving a parent so much they wish to obey their every request and wish to perform these deeds with such perfection that when the request comes, the child does nothing but stand there or else go about the work slowly and tentatively. Love has turned to fear, and eager servitude has turned to faltering submission. Presently, I would argue myself closer to this faltering submission than to eager servitude. Surrender, trust, rest, and faith certainly lie along the path back to love and service, but to even reach surrender and faith other actions must take place. And here lies the unknown I find myself in as I long for answers and the Answer, and reach for the path that leads to these. Praise God He is a merciful Master and a gentle Shepherd.

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One thought on “Lost and Found in Fear

  1. Wow I really like the honesty in this post Amanda! Thanks for sharing :). I often find myself seeking to do things out of obligation for what God has done for me but I am stopped in my tracks when I encounter Him. He is like a Father, gently wooing us back to Himself. As believers I feel that we so often forget that. Yes, He does desire for us to do what’s right but His greatest desire is that we love Him more than anyone or anything else. As John Piper says, “God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.” I will be praying this new years that we as the Body of Christ put Him first and serve Him out of love, not obligation.

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